Still waters; Clear reflections.

Had a nice but surprisingly short sharing with WW yesterday night. It reached my heart deeply. To know that I've, somewhere somehow hurt her someways. In my careless speeches, in my assumptions and demanding expectations. I hate knowing I did these to people I love. Instead of building, many a times I tore. Tore up their plans, their chances, their opportunities. Instead of learning joyfully, they are set to watch. Watch me do it and getting scolded for being unable to. How far have I went from being a young girl to a youth leader? How far did this position fetched me to where I should be?

This mission trip set me thinking. I think even more when I have no voice, I get irritated hearing my own voice you see... And I realise I was a fool all along. As much as I think I was tolerating people, they are tolerating me. As much as I see their flaws, I displayed mine. Everything like suddenly stopped and I stepped out of the picture to see myself. Something I should but haven't been doing for quite sometime.

Where was I heading to with a these selfish flaws? What more do I wish to accomplish with all that I carry along with me? Why am I always expecting others giving in to my view point? Are they really that deserving of recognition? Or was that pride that lingers from time to time?

As I was driven pass trees in the pickup, I see my selfishness. In the nights when lights are off, I was switched to "reflection-mode". When the whole van of people are asleep in the hot afternoon, every second was precious to me.

"Why is He still using me?
He need not.
Just like He need not send His Son to die for me.
He could have called ten thousand angels to do that...
But He just did."

That gave me courage to move on from here. I'm not going to stop at the reflecting stage. I want to move on. Because there's no better way to make Him smile than to do that. To people I love, and who love me, that's the best way to respond to their love. Although I don't know what I can do, or even plan to do, but I'll try. Just like Sam said, "Knowing where is wrong is already the first step." Well, at least I'm at the first step.

Thank you for listening.
Thank you for being patient.
Thank you for giving in to me.
Thank you for the care showered.
Thank you for the respect you offered.


Especially to WW:
It always seem that you need me. But in actual fact, I need you. It always seem that I'm helping. But in actual fact, you are helping. It always seem that I am teaching. But in actual fact, I learnt alot. Do not grow tired, my girl. For it's such a worthwhile work ahead of you. And much potential growth are waiting to be discovered. He is gracious to me, and He will be so to you, so fear not. There is no better joy to smile in my sleep than to know I have a co-worker like you. As much as I made you cry, you made me smile.

Seek ye first, the Kingdom of God.
And all these things, shall be added unto you.
Hallelujah...

Matt 6:33