THINKING THINKING AND THINKING HURTS.

I dislike myself when I listen to my head and stifle things coming from the heart. Just because I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO think or feel that way, does it mean I have to act as if I didn't? Well, in hope that I can please Him if I were to pretend I've never had emotions I shouldn't? It's really confusing actually. And it has becoming a chore to suppress much of what's going inside me. Hmm... Time for a full-heart checkup -.-"

God gave me mind to think and analyse. He gave me heart to feel. But when my mind wonder, it's easier to control where and what I want it to focus at. Whereas, when it comes to heart, I really wonder what I can do. Tell myself I shouldn't be feeling like that and repent for feeling that way, or what? And when I'm forced to face the music, I get really fedup with myself, struggling at somewhere least necessary to pay attention to. And more fustrated when fighting the feeling drains me out. And I'll be left with a fatigue soul dying... But anything I should do or not do?

These are things in life I've never met. Didn't have to understand. Need not face. But it's so different now... So different living. Living meant so much more. And when something comes into your life and stirs your life up then leave you alone to clean up the mess, it's- ARGH.

Sometimes I was tempted to go back to the days when all I bother to worry is if Evon will be staying after service this sunday to play with me. Or that will mummy cane me for drinking pepsi... In those days, every sundays are party days! Although you have pushing and crying here and there, but you know deep down you enjoy it and it's fun. You don't have to worry that much if you should have not misunderstood what this say or what that said. You also don't have to phrase words nicely just not to mislead people...

BUT I NEVER REGRETED FACING GROWING UP.

In fact, if I were to choose to live forever in childhood, or to face all the new challenges I have now, of coz I'll not choose to stay 7yrs old my whole life! That'll be so -..- BORING. However, I do miss those carefree times when waves start crashing over me. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate now k...

How about saying it this way: New areas I haven't meet before? These areas caused me big headache. Especially when I know I shouldn't be feeling what I felt. Or be thinking of what I thought. Maybe you'll say it's alright to think it that way, or to feel that way... But you know how much consequence you have to pay to plant a "seem-justifiable" seed into your heart. I'm afraid this will grow and also grow out of my control. I don't want that to happen. So I keep careful judgment of how I should respond and feel and force myself out of my natural-self into a my should-feel-this-way-self. But somehow it's not really working...

I've run out of ideas to run away from me. In the end, no matter how fast I run, how swiftly I manage to hide, I realise my shadows are always behind me. I can't shake it off. WHY? (ok, that's a very dumb description...) God plans that I feel like that? And so I have to feel like that?! But I never realise any lessons to learn after that. Things will get from bad to worse if I free myself to say as I feel, do as I please. Where is the balance point?

You see, you have your old self. You also have a ideal self customised by God to mould you into. So everyday, every minute, you're being transformed. It's expected and accepted that you have bring some of your natural self and meet with trouble, then you learn, and be a step nearer to your ideal self. God takes my whole life to mould me! And being said that, where do I stand? Am I too greedy to behave perfectly like I have to? Or is it always important to feel guilty for underperforming the way we should?

I know it's always important not to stop doing what's good, and to stop doing whatever's bad and things that are absolute wrong. But how can I start, stop or continue when I don't even know if it's acceptable or not to God?? That's why I always say it's scary to not know WWJD. So I've always spend much time thinking if this is ok, that is acceptable... If I do this, will He mind? If I do that will He flare up... And I never have the answer. Blame me that I don't share. But shame on you that you didn't care enough to dig. HAH. Thinking through all these is tedious. Can I say that I need some understanding from you for slow responses or misleading words that came from me? If I've said anything that hurt you, I'm sorry. (OH YA! don't ask me why I sleep so late anymore... Or why I so late haven't sleep. SAME. It's preety obvious.)

Are you lost?? Think you didn't even read to this line. Maybe lost somewhere in the second para?! But if you have, thank you. Thank you for being so kind to follow my thoughts although they went hay-wired... So now, can you answer me:

Where's the balance? Where's the judgment?