NO LONGER CARE if it cares.

Have you ever felt that you never deserve what you are getting?
Either from God or from people?
When you know what you're accepting is not what your palm can hold.
When self esteem and your self worth are all questioned.
By all the good that you're receiving.
When you start to doubt if all these are God's grace or are they sweet traps set.
When you have difficulty identifying which is from God and which is not.
When you no longer can see clearly.
When you start to examine deeply INSDIDE yourself, you discover something has creeped in unknowingly and has started to grow.
Then you try to suppress everything you feel uncertain about.
When there're lots of confusion, lots of commotion and disorder hiden, if not held back.
When you hoped that you have power over your heart, and let your brain rule your feelings.
When you never have to be so affected by little tiny things, or doubt if they are anymore "little".
When you've told God to let His point of view made known to you in the QTs, prayers...
But you never hear anything.
I'm starting to fear. Fear that things will go out of control, out of hands.
When you don't have the strength to focus, no more power to avoid feeling the way I felt.
Or to ignore them...


So if you're too perfect for me, stay far and stop creating disturbance.
You make me feel really bad.(Okay, I know it's my problem. But can you take it as doing me a favour by ignoring me?!)
You really spoil my day.
Yah, somehow your emails did...

I don't know if I'm admiting something here, but I have enough of containing it within me.
I don't care what you think, how I hope you never did care.
I also no longer care if anyone finds out about this, DON'T CARE.
Because I have enough of bearing it alone.
It's tiring and lonely going through all these like this.
So please, stop doing more than what you should, more than what I deserve.

Before I start to change that pleasant impression of you, LEAVE NOW.
(I'll somehow bear to return everything back to you... Even the memories. )

还没得到的；不算失去。