Psalm90

Well, at least I said Goodnight to everyone today. With my grandparents asleep, I whispered Goodnight at their doors. With my father pulling down his specs, surprised to hear my greetings, I smiled and closed the door behind me.With a wave I disrupted my housemates' TV prog, I shouted Sleep Early.
How hard does it take to give all out to your loved ones? Or even to people who brushed by you neglected of your attention? Not much, when you really put thoughts into actions, it doesn't take much of you. How hard does it take not to give all out to your loved ones and only to find that you no longer have the chance to? A lifetime. A lifetime of guilt and regrets.
It's harder to not love than to love. Just like it's harder to get out than to get in. Love your families and friends, neighbors and relatives, colleagues and classmates. We're creatures with emotion-magnets attached. No body runs further than a certain distance before it catches you. Don't run. Stay where you supposedly should, attached with people around you, bonded with love and relations.

Blogging allows me to know CL. To know the breakdowns of her feelings and thoughts. To know the written expressions of her life. To know why she was angry, to know why she shed a tear. Many times when I revisited my posts, I'll sigh: "Ahh~ I actually thought this way! " or "Nah, this is wrong to start with..." or "Where did my passion and courage went to?" But most of the time, I amazed myself. Because I'll always have bad memories...

I hope everyone sleep well tonight.
And that everyone's loved tonight.
Because we are.
Everyone is.

It's lifeless. It'll melt.

Some ZZzzz thoughts.

Went to a wake of a young father today. Leaving behind his wife with two sons still in primary school. Due to deteriorating health and not wanting to burden his family, he seek death himself. He cannot wait to leave. Or should I say, he could not wait to live a body without illness?

Selfish?
Sympathy?
Irresponsible?
Compassion?

FR showed a picture in newspaper today of a child's head flatten due to China's earthquake. Some refused to leave when death comes knocking. Some send themselves ahead to meet death. Who's left on earth who lives each day as if it was their last?

I'm always a mad girl. Since I was young. I will wake up and sit on my bed imagine grandma pass away, imagine dad died of illness... Then I'll cry. Heh, silly ehh? Now, although I no longer cry imagining they're gone, I will write letters to my future children. I will write to my husband. God knows who... I always uncontrollably move ahead of time. Today, I even did a powerpoint slide of what I would want to say in my funeral. I talked as if I was gone, dead. Hah, crazy ehh?

Teach me how to move with time.

My memory is really bad. But amazingly I can recall all the little and insignificant things that happen, sometimes so vividly to an extend it frightens me. If time permits, I can roll out the weather then, who brushed passed me, and distinctively how I felt that very moment. I can narrate the actual conversation in sequence and know what was the gist of the conversation. Then... I'll be stuck there, in the past.

Teach me how to move with time.

*** *** ***

As I learn to move with time, let me not miss out life.
Let me be able to live now even if I recall past.
Let me be able to live now even when I foresee future.

Because I know, life = now.

Thank you peeps!

I had a wonderfully peaceful birthday. Although Alvin may think that eating dinner in the void deck is really a sad way for my 21st day, but I think it's alright. All the birthday-showers start the night of my birthday. (See, most of my loves are quite... Retarded?!) OPPS!

Thank you for the box of letters and presents. Thank you for the Iron Man. (I am, the Iron Man! Haha...) Thank you for the cheque. Thank you for the ang-baos. Thank you for the ride home. Thank you for the super late dinner, supper? Thank you for the performance. (Warning: I'll run out the next time you guys do this...) Thank you for the mail and postcard from Hong Kong = Kit Lam, the necklace and letter from Bukit Timah = Tracy and Derek, the "tall" card from Serangoon = Lilian and Gina, and the birthday song & thumbdrive from LA.

Also, thank you for the bag, Tiwa! Although it looks too classy on me, but I'll bring that bag to my graduation. WL! Thank you for the pull-overs. Preparing me for the next LaHu/ AhKa trip?! JJ! Your DIY necklace will be among the more treasured ones because it's hand-made by you! Although I don't like blue, but I LOVE your necklace with that key to remind me: Years are catching up. Thanks~! And people from 三福 class, the birthday song, thanks. The cup-cake, although very dry, but I managed to finish it at 兴德's van!

(Looks around the room...)

Oh ya! The before-floating but now-deflated balloons! Thank you... These are the kind of balloons I'm not afraid of, because they don't burst. Haha! (Not PINK next time please T..T) My NYP gang, so sorry not to meet up. Thank you for your intended love!! :D We really have to meet up ehh~ Thank you for the wedding invitation plus birthday wishes. Wished I asked for more la! Xinyi, so sorry to not hang out with you also. But you know I love you right! So save the $ to feed me on... Heh heh, you know what la huh!

All the smses that bursted my hp. (It really BURSTED. It got jammed and I've got to delete all the messages after reading -..-) However, some I really have no clue who are you angels because I have 0 hp numbers in my hp and unless I can recognise your number. Plus, I left my hp in mum's office locked, until the next day then retrieve la...

Oh ya! Received 2 scarfs from people, one from Liling, someone who travels home with me after Tues' worship and another from Hafiz, my EX-thursday boyfriend because he has dumped me for a pretty Malay girl. This is bad... Both of them wished me hair faster grow, but I hope otherwise. How? And given my skin tone and with a scarf, taxi driver asked me if I am a Malay...

It's nice being 21. It's nice having to drag along with the workforce. It's nice having to make more decisions and bear more responsibilities. It's nice having to understand the complexities in life. It's nice having more power and lesser control over the power. It's nice being 21... How nice.

How nice.

What is...

Impossible?