----------Dead----------but HAPPY!

I'm so dead.

I didn't know it'll all end up like this.

I didn't know the price to pay is that high.

-..-" C-H-A-M.

I'm so stuck now laa!!!

How?!

But still, I didn't regret my decision. I will do the same if I was given the options I had. So, actually, I'm happily stucked. Understand? Nvm, I'll sleep all I can when I can. To replace all the time that I SHOULD be sleeping, I need 1 week, or more? Hahaha... Heading home!

To a place with no sleepless nights, HERE I COME!

Reflections

God never intended to lower His expectation, He merely wants to start where His people were. And it's always not easy to decide where your people are. That requires great understanding of how He works! If we cannot identify where He places His likes, and where He expressed His dislikes, how on earth are we then supposed to know where our people stand?

I promised someone to post this: "Love Hurts!", but I've forgotten who I made this promise to... Hah, maybe you can kindly remind me?! Hmm, nice passage I read this week. And why it touches me is because it's just SO TRUE.

Sometimes love sure hurts! The parents who are expressing their difficulties and heartaches of their children through their teen years says, 'Maybe if we didn't want to love them quite so much it wouldn't be that hard.' Even though love brings pain and sorrow, what would be life without it? To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be possibly be broken. If you want to make aure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; aviod all entanglements; lock it up in the casket or coffin of your selfishness... The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers... of all, love is Hell.

To love is to take risk, to expose our hearts. Sometimes it hurts! It hurt Jesus Christ, but He kept on loving--- even at the cost of His life. And He asked us to "Love one another as I have loved you."(John 15:12) Have you been hurt by those you've tried to love? Have you been tempted to withold your love from them as a result?

Love origins from Him, He is love.

Going...

Mission Trip:
We're going on a mission trip to Chiang Rai again! I don't know why but each time I went there, I feel very "homely". Not exactly like home, but just like meeting my extended family. Anyway, for this trip, we're meeting up and rehersing our skits and performances... Oh YA! ZL is marrying YQ there(in one of the skits)! Love to see their embarrassed faces! But if they really were to fall for each other... I'll kill myself! Hah! We're far from being ready, but I kinda enjoy the mess we're in. This mess makes us more 'together'.

Like they say, "A cosy bed is a messy one."
Quite true!

Because of this trip, my "wheaks", especially Grace has been running around the stuff office with me, trying to look for different lecturers, tutors for replacement lessons. It's rather tiring, thank you peeps! And later I'm having a presentation. Presenting on computer parts and very 'computic-definations' which I never will understand this lifetime... Simply to say, I'm presenting something I don't understand, hoping that others understand. There's where acting skills comes in!

Tomorrow, 0203 is coming over to stay!!! Yea, they are my energy always! But 阿雅 and 大头 can't come. Hai-yo-yo. Anyway, ww was saying that she will feel NERVOUS sleeping over at my house. Me and Char was like -__-""" when we heard that. Ww, no worries, you'll get to the wedding in one piece. Sometimes her thoughts really amaze me... We gonna discuss how we want to build a 2007 0203. Hmm, ZL, don't worry, we'll sleep before 3am to get ready for next day's wedding...

We can be different, but we have to be together.

NO LONGER CARE if it cares.

Have you ever felt that you never deserve what you are getting?
Either from God or from people?
When you know what you're accepting is not what your palm can hold.
When self esteem and your self worth are all questioned.
By all the good that you're receiving.
When you start to doubt if all these are God's grace or are they sweet traps set.
When you have difficulty identifying which is from God and which is not.
When you no longer can see clearly.
When you start to examine deeply INSDIDE yourself, you discover something has creeped in unknowingly and has started to grow.
Then you try to suppress everything you feel uncertain about.
When there're lots of confusion, lots of commotion and disorder hiden, if not held back.
When you hoped that you have power over your heart, and let your brain rule your feelings.
When you never have to be so affected by little tiny things, or doubt if they are anymore "little".
When you've told God to let His point of view made known to you in the QTs, prayers...
But you never hear anything.
I'm starting to fear. Fear that things will go out of control, out of hands.
When you don't have the strength to focus, no more power to avoid feeling the way I felt.
Or to ignore them...


So if you're too perfect for me, stay far and stop creating disturbance.
You make me feel really bad.(Okay, I know it's my problem. But can you take it as doing me a favour by ignoring me?!)
You really spoil my day.
Yah, somehow your emails did...

I don't know if I'm admiting something here, but I have enough of containing it within me.
I don't care what you think, how I hope you never did care.
I also no longer care if anyone finds out about this, DON'T CARE.
Because I have enough of bearing it alone.
It's tiring and lonely going through all these like this.
So please, stop doing more than what you should, more than what I deserve.

Before I start to change that pleasant impression of you, LEAVE NOW.
(I'll somehow bear to return everything back to you... Even the memories. )

还没得到的；不算失去。

Back!

Woohoo!! Didn't manage to blog for sometime. Technical problem. But thanks to Mr. Tan, it's resolved!! My lappy was on my room's floor because I simply gave up using such a s-l-o-w comp. I heard a very depressing news today. As usual, by imagining myself in her shoes, I became more affected by this matter. But, there's always another time!

This week, is a busy and rather fast-paced week for me. The "normal" packed timetable in school resumes and now, I miss TEP. Haiz... NAH! CAN'T THINK THIS WAY! God didn't give me a 'want-to-die, want-to-die' life, He gave His life in exchange of mine... So how can I pass my life like that?! Okie, repent and start living life with Z-E-S-T!

I noted all the little things I saw these few days in my hp. I saw an auntie of age 50+ 60yrs old wearing a black T-shirt with pink words: 'You're my sweetest' and a big cartoon character beside the words. I want to be as young at heart in future as well!! But not to wear these kinda clothings laa... On my tiring Tuesday this week, as I boarded MRT heading to school in the morning, a young China lady misses her train just because there was an old man walking right in front of her, blocking her way. But her respond: Smiled. She must have slept more than 6hrs the night before! Hahaha, but that reminded me that the Lord's children are supposed to be joyful any moment! Next, this is what I saw today while heading school. It was at Yishun MRT station and the train stopped. I looked down the window and saw two cars stopping by the bus stop, dropping a woman each. It's their husbands who were driving, I guess?? But anyway, the car in front was a light-blue old pattern kinda car, those you may have to wind down your own window ones... And the lady who got off bent over to her husband (to either kiss to say something...) before alighting with a big smile on her face. She turned back to smile before the blue car drove off. As this was happening, a much bigger car, the kind with 3 rows inside and has the capacity of about 7 people, came by. Also, a woman walked out. With a rather stern face and didn't bother to turn back. Guess the driver didn't expect it as well because the car went off right after the door was closed and even bfore the blur car went off. It set me thinking... What kinda attitude will I adopt in future? To the people most close to me. Will I treat them with politeness, just like I would to someone honorable?

Okie... Think I've said quite alot. Time to sleep.

No monday Blues... It's just a little HAZY.

Mel, I know it isn't easy at all for you to go through all these nearing your Os. But think it in another way, God has installed alot in you! Because He nevers gives more than what we can bear. So a clever SOMEONE said that God must have not expected much in me -.-" Whatever... But this time, I feel sad, heartbreaking and somehow guilty that he didn't accept the Good News. Not that I have done anything that may have make a difference, all we can do is to pray. I really hope you feel ok soon, so as to prevent same situations to occure next time round... This time, we have to do our part le, k!

Life is really short. I've started the super busy semester today. And my 2weeks break: Mid Dec... So long to go! Just looking at my timetable alone is tiring enough lor. Anyway, I want to sleep early and wake up early this time, so that I don't sleep in lectures! Haha :D Oh ya! Yesterday, I asked some cgers what does it take to multiply our cg. Guess their reply?! "CL lose weight. CL change hairstyle. Then we'll start multiplying..." And so, I went home to tell my mum about this joke. Her reply was alarming, "Good! Then do it for them!" I was like -..-"

***

Btw, 0203, the debate I say I'm going to have with Mushi has ended. And as usual... I lost. He explained it in a very reasonable way that I can't resist but to nod and agree with what he said. However, neither have I given up on my view point. I realised that when the focus is different, conflicts come. I don't know where I heard it and who I heard it from, but someone did say this, "Conflicts in church happens between two who comes to build God's temple with different focus." And I don't know why I keep remembering hearing this at the counter(where you foot your bill) of a supermarket... Maybe I was thinking about this while I was paying my bills? Or someone was discussing about this when I was at the counter?? Aiya, who cares...

How true. Those who don't even care to build church won't even spend their time, effort or risk their friendship with you to debate the best way to feed the sheeps. Those who care will fight their "best" with our "best" because we both want the BEST in church but just can't agree on what's actually the best. RW says this is unecessary and is due to diversed focus.
Some ask, "How much does this cost?"
Some ask, "How many people will feel comfortable about this?"
Some ask, "Who will be in the committe team?"
We all focus on the different issues. We put weighting to different methods differently. This is not a problem, but it can be a BIG problem to us if we allow! Imagine each of us not willing to give way in the smallest issue avaliable, will we seem loving to Him? If we all insist on our "best" and drowns all those whose ideas are different from ours, will our that "BEST" please Him?

Ultimately, it's how we lived that counts.

Because, 神不要求我们成功； 神只要求我们忠心。

I was tricked...

I was tricked into drinking some ginger tonic drinks... Mummy told me was 黑鸡汤, so I thought shouldn't be that bad. And I drank, and drink and drink and drink. Know what I saw at the at the bottom of the cup, right infront of my eyes?!?! GINGER!! Initially I was thinking the soup isn't that bad, but now that I see what I saw, I feel like throwing everything out.

BLEAH...

But to think back, who will take the effort to trick me into drinking something that I need yet hate if that person doesn't even care?
I love my mummy, not just because she loves me, but also that she's just too loving not to love! :) I kinda enjoy being tricked...
Understand that kinda feeling?! Hah.

Okie, let's do some reporting about my timetable these days...
Monday passed like a rush, projects, photocopying, reports, stuff-rooms dashing in and out... It was a mess! And I'm glad it's all over. Phew -..-"

Tuesday was exciting! We did our ICA role-playing and teacher did assure us he noticed all the effort we put in and comment we were one of the best! So were very satisfied with ourselves and we just keep smiling that day! Ok, I forgot what I did on tuesday afternoon... Hmm, what was I doing?! Nvm, skip.

Wed! Wed was fun, with Rene, Liqi and Grace... Thought I would only be buying the perfume I long wanted, but ended up buying so many other things I don't plan to buy. And oh ya! I bought a dress! With help of Grace, I bought a dark blue dress that I plan to wear at FR's wedding. "Dress" is something so far to me now. It's something that I used to wear, used to buy, used to like wearing. It has been some time since I concluded that CL and DRESS just don't go together. However, people are starting to be confused with my gender and age, as I wear those that I like. And so... TADA! I'll be wearing dress on 28-10-2006!! Hah, you may think 'What's that big deal?' But to me, it's actually a big thing... Hohoho!

Thursday. Hmm, whole day with Zhenni. I feel so "mummy" today. I do the dishes, wipe the shelves, cardboards, tables, piano...(OH YA! TUESDAY I WENT TO HER HOUSE, REMEMBER?! To sweep and mop! Hah, now I remember what I did Tues afternoon ;p) Then Jere came also. He's fascinating! No wonder new parents' actions tend to grow silly. (oppz...)

So what's up tomorrow?! Hah, I'm needed at Zhenni's place and centre. That means, I have to reach her house by 11am then go clinic with her. Settle everything by 2pm and then be a strict-strict teacher at centre! Up to 6.30pm T.T sob sob sob... Then there's mission trip meeting for all who are going at 7.30pm-ard 10pm plus?? Then will be seeing Lidui and Zhicheng off. Ok, Zhicheng and Lidui. Think it'll be very different without them. But instead of getting depressed for their departure, why not rise more people like them?! Be one ourselves!


Life is all about pleasing God, if not pleasing -this world(And that includes ourselves!). Because man and God never seems to want the same thing. So we're just struggling within the fine line who to please. Suggested morning prayers(Those that you pray before your feet touches the ground...)-

"Father, I know You're going to do some incredible things in Your world today.
Please give me the privilege of getting in on some of what You're doing."
-RW-

My Lovely Samsoon...

Thailand no Jere?!
Samsoon still has friends!!

Please be merciful to let her have two cones...
She'll try to slim down tomorrow.
She promised.

Samsoon: "You know how fortunate are you to be my son? You know how much I love you..."
Jere: "Mummy, have you forgotten I'm just 9mths?! Leave all these to when I can understand."

The Kaypo-Samsoon trying to explain what the fishes in the net are doing... Hmm, come to think of that, why she knows so much??

Munchy, munchy, munchy... "Aiyo, why take photo now?! Hopefully I still look good!"

Going to Samsoon's place earlier to help out some chores... Wanna join me?! Like sweeping, wiping and mopping... Dread doing the dishes, so maybe we ta-bao dinner?! Then no need wash... Hee! Hope the cut on my finger don't give me pain. And SAMSOON! You better know it's all because of my bf, Jere, that I'm being so nice...

And people remember!
We're fasting today!

Not the same.

Nat Tan, I want my Bible by Tuesday, 8pm sharp at Sam's place.

Now, how can I convince my parents to stop the Bible reading for 2days?? I can't use any other Bible leh, it's so different. Hmm, not the contents in it, but... Once the feel of it is different, it's no longer the same, understand?

Not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same, not the same...

-.-" Hai-yo-yo.

Dedicate this to 0203:

Too much of next years' discussion that I keep thinking of it. Well, it's going to be tough without Alvin. But since he has to and wants to be promoted, that's good of coz, we shall go with the flow and bless him all the best in his up coming cg! Pa, go have a good time with Zhong bo, and of coz with the others in the cg as well... Hehe

Other than that, our cg will not change, in TQ2, with the same faces. But this will not do. We want to multiply!! How should I say this... Hmm... Increase from 10 steady and serving cgers to 25 by end of 2007. Too much to ask for?! I think it'll be too little if we really wake up now and start sowing everywhere. While RW sent his first letter to invite people to his service of 15 people, he sent it to 15,000 residents. He says he'll see 150 people if it's a 1% response. See! Sow everywhere!! But within our designed area of coz...

Well, Weiwen and I are really having headache, and quite lost as to how to lead the whole cg to a new level. Let me share what RW has to say: It's a myth to say that if any pastors are deicated enough, the church will grow. He says that this myth has caused thousands of dedicated pastors in the world whose churches are not growing feeling more frustrated, more guilty and more inadequate. And feeling like this doesn't help in church growing!
And I know that leaders can't do this alone. I seriously need my people to go the extra tough mile with me. Without them, it'll be a lonely and tiring journey... You know my cgers have so many things to say that people taking buses with us cannot even fall asleep?! They can sing, laugh, joke, share throughout the whole journey, shorten the travel time.
Most importantly why you should be working towards this goal is because 2Tim 2:22 says, "So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."

So if they're not in, I'll be very helpless. So abandoned. Please be with me, please. Don't you also feel like taking action when others say we cannot grow? When you see the same people over and over again, haven't you ever imagined if they were some other faces? If you feel something, something inside which tells you we can't go on like this, YOU'RE IN. That's what I feel too! Feeling like this is all that it takes to make our first move: Grow Up Ourselves.

Well, I don't mean we stop telling jokes, stop wearing bright-coloured clothings and stop jumping and screaming around in parties... That all we can hold on to! But we have to be more spiritually mature. Let's take a look at the few things we have to start doing:

Firstly, our love and patience for each other and our new friends. Listening and saying criticisms proves that all! We have to have more patience to new friends, THEN can new friends stay! Imagine if we keep critising how this new friend wears, how he talks, how quiet she is and BLAH BLAH BLAH... Will they like us? Most importantly, will they see Jesus in us?
Have we ever thought we were like this before, and how others tolerated all our nonsenses? So please stop stiring displease among each other, even of the person you are most irritated with. And don't build on gossips. Stay holy and refuse all these to get into your ears, and hating sinful stuffs. God hates sin that's why He can love fully.
Com'on, start taking firm stands and behave like Jesus would. You never know to how much your love can stretch until you start stretching!(PS: It'll start stretching ONLY when you meet with people you are irritated with, so, JIAYOU!)

Next is our zest. Our gusto, our passion, our enthusiasm. All these doesn't come naturally. Noone is born to be genuinely interested in God's kingdom. So don't take pastors' zest for granted. They spend effort to build all these zest in them! If you ask, "How can I build my zest for the Lord?", the answer is: "You have to practise them"!
For example on moody days when you don't feel like doing anything, force yourself to smile to everyone who come pass you and greet them.(Because self-pity floods out your care of how others feel, remember?!) If you don't feel like offering your $5 note, pull out the $50 and force yourself to put it in.(Because everthing that we own belongs to our gracious Lord!)
Practising and forcing your limits helps you build energy. That's my experience. Do things you never even think you can do for God. See old lady picking up cans, give her everything that's left that day in your pocket, and your love for the needy will grow. Forcing yourself to do the right things you don't feel like doing will help you grow...
Soon before you realise, you no longer don't feel like doing them, THEN, energy is built!

Also, our relations with God. Read the Bible, talk to Him daily and share the Good News helps build relationship with God. Reading the Bible is like eating. You cannot over "eat" and then for the next few days don't "eat" anything. You have to spread out what you have over days and take a day's proportion each day! What happens if you skip meals? You get gastric. Same logic. If this skipping of meals persist, you suffer from eating-disorder. Same logic again. So, pace out what you can digest for that day and faithfully read your Bible. If you can't stay faithful, get someone to guide you. Be it getting scolded, being encouraged, or be reminded... Whatever. Just get someone to make sure you read.
Hmmm, next, talking to Him. For those who are far far far from faithfully reading the Bible, this is for you: Talk to Him everywhere. On MRTs, buses, school, bathroom, bedroom, study-table, in front of TV, ANYWHERE. But what I do which really helps make my day holy is to start the day praying. Before your feet hits the ground, pray in bed. Tell God to involve you in today's spiritual war. Remember God when you feel the wind, see children, smell the after-rain or when you see foregin-workers working under hot sun... If you train like that, you'll start walking like Jesus, talking like Him and finally thinking like Him too!
After read the Bible, talking to Him, we have to share!!! Love is like cough. You cannot keep it. 1Tim 6:12 says, "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witness." And if you really tries keeping it, you'll choke. So people who can keep the Good News untold hasn't really gotten the Good News. They merely know the Good News. Because if you really digested Lord's message, you'll naturally share it.

WHA... I'm so lor-soh. But yea, I hope this helps you in your growing path.

1Tim 4:12 says,
"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example
in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity."

:)

Follow Me Lyrics

Follow Me
By Uncle Kracker

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when I'm with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

And I worry about the ring you wear
Cause as long as no one knows
That nobody can care
Your feeling guilty
And I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
And baby I'm not scared
I'm singing...

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me


Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
It better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go stranded
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Nice song!! Funny actually. Uncle Kracker is full of confidence ehh...

Hanging in mid-air, still.

I hope all was well yesterday for the people who went street evangelism. Today's a rest day for me. Sick. HAI-YO-YO. But anyway can have the whole day to think, think and think! HAH. And so people can stop thinking that I don't face myself. Well, definately not "didn't" but just "not enough"?? BLAH. But I'll try to. Hmmm... Since can't go out with Grace, Rene and Liqi to do my pedicure, I'll stay at home and think more for 0203.


Yesterday night, I figured out something.
Something I've been wondering about.

"Why God loves to keep people Waiting"?

Here are 3 explainations:

Ever wanted something you are not ready for?
Imagine a baby who hasn't learn to write but demands a pencilbox. A youth who hasn't get his lisense wants a car of his own. Are they reasonable? If you can afford what they requested, would you give them? It's also the same that although He can afford everything we ask for, but He wouldn't provide until we are ready to own them. However, as much as I can reason out from my tiny brain, there are two more reasons why God loves to keep people waiting.

Ever wanted something you haven't earn enough for?
This is another reason. You may say it overlaps with the first reason but somehow I feel that it's a branched out issue. Not ready is waiting for time to pass, waiting for life experiences to be accumulated. But this second cause of waiting is that we haven't earn enough for what we wanted. For a person who has gotten his car lisense have to first save up to buy the car he wanted! That's the reason he's waiting. Not because he don't qualify for that car, but that he still hasn't put in enough effort to deserve it. We cannot want something of the best without having to make some sacrifices. So when God can't bear to see us with the second best in life, He wants us to wait. And hopes that we can make it through to earn enough for the best He prepared.

Lastly, He wants to test our faithfulness in what we look for.
The longer you wait for something you request for something you long for, the more you'll cherish when you finally have it. Sadly, that's how humans work. Too bad. So that's why He keeps us waiting and waiting, to test if we are really committed to having what we claimed we want. And along this wait, some of our actual "wants and needs" surface. And some of us finally realise 2-3yrs later that we actually don't need that car, or that actually hot pink cars are not that nice anyway... After that wait, we understand ourselves better! Sometimes after the wait will we become conscious that we truly can't do without it.


So, no matter what, I believe in waiting. And the best never comes without waiting. There's a saying that says "The most horrible thing that can happen is when we are very hurry but God isn't". But I think otherwise. The most horrible thing that can happen is when God no longer bothers to let us wait for the best and gives us exactly what we asked for...

I always like to ask myself "What if..." but I gave up last night.
Simpily because it digs out memories which are to be forgotten to stay happier.
Maybe that's why I got fever?!
HAH. Who knows...

Cousin-Craze

I know Xinyi will kill me for posting all these...
But who cares?! Wahahaha!!!

Here's the cousin-craze power that lasted till 3am~
All that happened that day will only be a secret between us.
Whatever's said, whatever's done...